A Condensed Update

Internet dating: Waste of time.

Normal dating: Frustrating.

Dressing situation: Non-existent, maybe some time this week if I can be bothered.

Kindles: Awesome.

Patience with the world in general: Dangerously low.

That is all.

Questions Without Answers

As some of you may have noticed I've not been around much lately and judging by my previous blog posts am not too thrilled with the world of cross-dressing at the moment. It's not all doom and gloom by any means but for the time being I find myself besieged by many conflicting feelings towards Miss Lisa Johanna.

The big question I'm asking myself is "What am I getting out of this?" but there doesn't really seem to be much of an answer available. That, or "Not much", which I don't particularly care for. I'm aware that life is a constant evolution and that we aren't designed to stand still; we grow, develop and change so much in such a short lifespan that sometimes it's dizzying to remember the person you were, even a few years ago, compared to who you are today. And yet to find that my own personal evolution doesn't seem to include Lisa is quite upsetting.

I've been told countless times to not question my motives or reasons, the intricacies of being a cross-dresser, and just enjoy it whilst I can. To start with, the whole "while you can" element just throws up a sense of doomed futility anyway, in the sense that there will come a time when I will no longer be able to cross-dress for whatever reason (family/work/being too old/dinosaur resurrection/the Great Biscuit Wars of the early 2020's) so what's the point if you can't cherish a prospect of a future in which you can happily delve into two very separate, but at the same time very connected, sides of yourself.

Of course I'm aware of the general sentiment that is being used here but to me it comes across as condescending and superficial; how can I enjoy something that can cause a great deal of confusion and some cases, unhappiness? "Just enjoy it" is a cop-out, not advice. It's being fobbed off by someone who clearly has no interest in actually talking to you and helping you overcome any difficulties you may be experiencing.  Contrary to how it may sound in the preceding blather, I really do appreciate advice or guidance from girls who have been doing this much longer than I have, but I draw the line at condescension.

And I do think about it. Whether I want to or not, I will sit there and ponder, going round and round in circles until I wind up in exactly the same place just feeling a bit more confused than when I started/having a brilliant solution only to forget it five minutes later.

So I'm not really getting much out of cross-dressing at the moment, big deal, right? Wrong. Lisa allows me to express myself, act and generally be a much more brighter, open and optimistic person than I naturally am. I'm not sure why I  feel this sense of liberation when made up and wearing a dress (a bunch of different reasons probably) but it's a great feeling. I don't believe that this is my "true self" or that it's a sign that I'm transgendered and this is how I should be living. I think it's just two different parts of one person coming together to create a whole, but when one half is out of sync then it complicates the issue.

I mentioned evolution earlier because that's how I see life in general: an evolution of the Self through differing stages of existence through which we attempt to find reason and meaning to our being. I don't believe in fate or destiny, especially not religion, so it's up to us to figure out what the hell we are doing with our lives. So in this sense it does cause me consternation to feel such conflict and turmoil towards an important part of my life.

Maybe it's a sign that the revolution has come and gone; the rebellious decision to wear a dress and pretend to be a girl has faded into History, to be remembered only through semi-accurate memories distorted by time and other illicit substances. The revolution has given way, as all revolutions must do, to the tranquility of the mundane, briefly illuminated by the glamorous glory of putting on the clothes of the other gender. Sadly, those shining intervals are becoming fewer and farther between.

Until next time my friends, choose your side wisely for the coming Great Biscuit Wars. I know I have.

Welcome to My World

Yup.

Just Too F**king Lazy

That's right, I'm just too damn lazy and indolent to bother doing much these days. Especially dressing up as a girl. Sod off, you dress up like a girl, I'm quite content sitting here thinking about nothing at all. Judge me all you want, it means nothing to me. I'm not here to amuse, entertain and titillate you people so get the hell of my case. You want entertainment? Go follow some egotistical, drama-loving, attention whore, jerk-off...there are a few that spring to mind immediately but let's not go down that road. Yet.

People are judged by their actions, so is it possible to judge someone for their inaction? Yeah, sure it is. You see some pathetic sack of shit doing nothing with their lives and you instantly feel a heady mixture of hostility, guilt, fear and superiority towards them. Well fuck off, because what the hell do you know? Passivity has its hidden benefits, its secret allure that call to us from the deep of our souls; a Call To Inaction. You think that the best minds of the human race got shit done by rushing around and being busy 24/7? Hell no, they sat back and thought shit through.

You wanna know yourself? Then you have to dig into the internal, the Self, you can't just go on the external, it's a twisted perception brought about by the barrage of stimuli and hundreds of other external Selves wandering around contemplating their own insecure internal Selves. The external is a lie, it's false, a gross parody of itself. The internal Self is the only truth. But what if there are two internal Selves, split or conjoined? Well, then you're fucked.

In other news, it's really hot and I think I'm losing what little sanity I have left.

The Complaint Department

As George Carlin (RIP) once said "It's time to dip into the complaint department".

What follows won't relate to my cross dressing because I'm actually pretty happy with how things are going and it's currently providing me with a fantastic distraction from my other worries, but I need to vent and as I lack any other means to do so, it's going up here. Feel free to stop reading if you don't like self-pitying bullshit.

I'm in a rut, a serious, ongoing and never-ending rut that I simply can't seem to break out of. There are so many areas of my life that I'm not happy with but no matter what I do to try to improve things nothing seems to work and I'm left feeling even more frustrated and disheartened than ever. I struggle to remain optimistic even at the best of times, so when things aren't going my way it's all too easy to think that I may never achieve anything.

I'm 28 and already have a dead-end job which is draining the life out of me. I'm  aware that the way the economy and job market is that I'm lucky to even have a job, but this is of scant consolation to be honest. Every week I send out countless applications and CV's without success, 99% of the time I'll never even get a rejection email. I always believed that I would be able to forge some kind of career for myself within my ideal area (writing/journalism/publishing), yet that dream is basically dead. Unless you have a portfolio or the experience no-one wants to know and apparently training is now a thing of the past (the 21st Century "Catch 22": you need the experience to get the job but you need the job to get the experience). I've tried other sectors too with similar results. I've put up with this futile search for almost two years now and I'm reaching my breaking point, especially when I see everyone around me getting better, more interesting jobs, moving on to do things they want to do and earning good money whilst I'm still stuck at entry-level and barely earning enough to sustain myself every month.

I'm starting to think that most of my friends aren't really friends at all. Most people just don't seem to care beyond their own interests and as a result I am slowly being forgotten about. It's not nice to know you're being excluded, especially when you log on to Facebook and see what they're doing together whilst you're stuck at home wishing that you had someone to talk to. Some of them know about my cross-dressing but after a period last year when they decided that I was becoming too absorbed by it, I've decided to stop telling them anymore than the occasional "it's going fine". Almost all of my friends are also in relationships too, which means that they're not available a lot of the time or when they are I am constantly reminded that I'm still single.

Speaking of being single, the online dating thing isn't working out too well already. I've had no responses to any of the messages I've sent out and I'm already having second thoughts about the whole thing. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I'm bad at promoting myself in a positive light  Yes, I'm aware I've only been on there for just over a week but I'm not a very patient person even at the best of times. I'll stick with it for a while but it's far from an encouraging start.

I'm also trying to quit smoking and it's causing me no end of grief. I've been a smoker for almost ten years now, averaging about 15 roll-ups a day, and I don't want to do it anymore. It's draining me of my money and my health, but I cannot seem to overcome the incessant cravings and crumble whenever I come up against even the smallest degree of stress. It's another blow to my confidence which combined with the shit I have jabbered on about earlier only exacerbates my pessimistic mood. People quit smoking every day, so why can't I?

Sure this probably sounds ridiculous and petulant, and to some extent I guess it is, but it's how I feel and I feel like I am starting to be totally overwhelmed. There are very few things that I can actually count on anymore to provide solace or comfort during my darker days. Maybe all it will take for me to rise above it is just one small thing to go my way, a chance encounter or a stroke of luck, but until that happens I fear that my life will continue on this pointless journey to nowhere.

A Transvestites Adventure in Internet Dating: So It Begins

I've been single for about a year and a half now, the same amount of time I have been cross-dressing (which is not a coincidence, by the way) and to be honest with you, I'm fed up with it. Have you seen those adverts for eHarmony on TV? The ones that say "...should you choose to give up being single..."?? I hate that shit. Like being single is a bad habit you can decide to quit anytime you choose to do so, like biting your nails or swearing too much (guilty on both counts). It's insulting is what it is, but seeing as I don't live in the 19th Century I won't write a letter to them telling them how much I hate their condescending adverts or how I wish their advertising team would all contract an acute case of herpes. 

Anywho, this got me thinking: I don't get to meet a lot of new people in my usual day-to-day and opportunities to meet prospective partners are even rarer. Factor in Lisa and those odds diminish even further. So I've decided to have a go at Internet dating. But not with eHarmony, they can go eat a bag of dicks.

On Monday I signed up with one of the free sites (no, I'm not telling you which one) and set up a profile for my guy self. As usual I struggled to really talk about myself in a positive light; no-one wants to date someone who doesn't think well of themselves, but at the same time I find it almost impossible to positively endorse myself. I just don't think that I have that much going for me at the moment and I'm not going to outright lie about it either. But I stumbled through and completed a profile which, without being too pessimistic or optimistic, seems to sum me up well enough.

Then came the tricky bit: do I publicly state that I'm a transvestite or leave it until I'm actually in a position to confide to potential dates? I have no intention of hiding my cross-dressing from future partners, the ideal is to find a woman who will want to be with me and accept my desire to be Lisa, playing an active, supporting and engaging part in both sides of my life. I understand why other TV's, CD's and trans-people have to maintain a level of discretion, it's not my place to pass judgement on them in any way, but keeping it a secret is not for me.

So I made a leap of faith and admitted that I'm a transvestite. No further details, just a quick statement and a photo. At least this way I am being honest without shoving it down peoples throats before they've even had a chance to speak to me.

In the last three days I've had a decent amount of profile views and have even mustered up the courage to send out a couple of messages, but have received no responses yet. I'm not expecting great things or even much of anything out of it, but it's a small amount of effort to put in for what potentially could be a very significant result. Honestly I'd be quite happy just making a couple of new friends from the experience. 

So I'll keep you fine folks updated on my progress, if there is any. Wish me luck!!

Back in the Saddle

Spring is upon us people, the sun is finally out and it's warming up, which means that it's time to get ready to step out once again. I've actually managed to dress twice in the last week, a most incredible feat for me given my incredibly lethargic nature, and I absolutely loved every second of it.

On Thursday I had the day off work and the house to myself...what else was I going to do?? Having picked up a few new make-up bits I simply couldn't resist the temptation to glam up and just went for it. Being somewhat out of practice with my make up I believe I did pretty well and was very happy that I didn't wind up looking like a domestic abuse victim. Having the freedom of my house made a huge difference; I felt secure, confident and happy to float around doing things that I normally can't when I'm dressed and confined to my room (like going to the bathroom in peace, making cups of tea and sitting on my sofa!). Plus it was a lovely sunny day which helped, so much so I even took some smiley photos. Very strange behaviour for me indeed.

Yesterday I had my BFF come round to hang out, as well as do my make up and hair for me (which she did awesomely). I do love having someone else to do all the hard work every so often. Plus it makes me feel pretty having someone else lather paint and goop all over my face! (Phrasing.) It was great just hanging out with a close friend as Lisa, taking a few photos and then laughing at random stuff on the Internet, just like a real person! It was such a shame to go back to boy mode that night, I really wish I could have stayed glamorous all night, but alas, 'twas not to be.

Now I've got the bug again. I'm desperate for more Lisa time and get myself out in public, it's been a long time since I've last done that and now that my confidence is returning I think it's high time to do something about it. I'd love to do more vanilla nights out in London, just hitting up Soho with friends rather than going for the special TV club nights, as well as just going out in the day. I really want to go to Hyde Park this summer and just chill out in a nice, floaty dress and sandals with some friends. Sounds like bliss to me. Especially if someone brings a frisbee (I'm awesome at frisbee).

Oh and I just have to say, I cannot recommend the Rimmel Exaggerate Liquid Eyeliner enough - it's amazing, definitely the easiest and best eyeliner I have ever used.

Cover Girl

The lovely Rachel Williston has made me the featured cover girl on her site! So show me some damn love and go check it out!

rachelwilliston.com/featuredcovergirl.html

The site had a whole bunch of other cool information and links so if you're sick of me then there's other stuff to keep you entertained too.

UPDATE: Well it looks like the baton has been passed to another girl and I have to concede my Cover Girl crown (grumble grumble). My page is still on the site in case you missed it:  http://rachelwilliston.com/lisajohanna.html